Last night I fell apart, went to pieces, had a breakdown; call it what you will, my bottled up feelings came to a head and I couldn't keep them in any longer. Fortunately (for me if not for him), my fiancé was with me so my breakdown consisted of being unable to speak at all for about an hour, followed by another hour of uncontrollable crying, followed by him 'talking me down' and managing to get me to a state where I was able to function again.
You would think I would have learnt the pattern by now. Life sucks, I can't cope with it but I have to, so .... I pretend. I paper over the cracks and pretend like everything is, well not okay, but perhaps not completely out of control. This strategy works well for me, strangers and friends and family alike accept the face value version that I'm coping; that things are in control. Until, of course, the tipping point is reached and I can't keep up the pretence any longer and all at once everything becomes too much to bear.
I know I should address my overwhelming feelings before I reach the point of no return but the closer I get to overload, the less able I am to deal with it - until the inevitable happens. Today I have still been feeling very anxious and quite low. I've got a doctor's appointment on Thursday so I'll try to hold it together until then. Just keep your fingers crossed that nothing (else) major appears on the horizon until then!