I
was severely depressed by the time I sought help. I had been sinking lower and lower each day
for months and months and by the time I realised I was virtually
catatonic. My condition was made worse
by the fact that I also had extremely low iron levels in my bloodstream, which
rendered me physically exhausted in addition to the mental maelstrom I was
experiencing. Each day I got up and got
the children fed, dressed and ready for school.
As soon as I’d taken them to school I’d go home and often either go back
to bed or sleep on the sofa until it was time to collect them. After the day I was woken by a phone call from
the school fifteen minutes after I should have collected my youngest, I always
made sure I set an alarm, even if it was 9.30 in the morning when I went to sleep. I’d collect the children and then play ‘Mummy’
until after tea, when I’d crash again and my husband would take over for a
while. During this time I tried very
hard to ensure the children were cared for.
I always kept the washing up to date and made sure there was food in the
house, although going to the supermarket was, and still is sometimes, extremely
traumatic for me. I am conscious though
that they did suffer during this, my darkest period as I was not able to
interact with them as I should have and I regret that deeply.
The
medication the GP prescribed me, antidepressants and iron supplements,
gradually dragged me out of the worst of the dense fog but I reached a plateau
in my recovery after about six months and I felt I needed more than just
medication to help me. I was fortunate
that I was able to (not quite) afford the private psychologist that my GP
referred me to. He was great and really
helped me to address some of the issues that were contributing to my
illness. Sadly, part of this process led
to the end of my 18 year marriage, which was incredibly painful for all
concerned.
I
have never returned to that absolute depth of long-lasting, non-functioning
depression but nor have I succeeded in achieving the recovery that my GP
assured me was possible all those years ago.
I have had periods, some as long as several months, of being relatively
symptom free but by and large my depression has stayed with me, colouring all
aspects of my life. I have good days and
bad days and have pretty much resigned myself to living with depression for the
rest of my life. I am no longer in a
position to be able to pay for therapy and, as therapy on the NHS is virtually
non-existent, having online support has really helped me to cope with my
condition on a day to day basis. There
is, of course, no joy in knowing that other people also suffer with an illness
that drains the pleasure and energy out of them most days, but to know that
others understand exactly what you mean when you describe how you are feeling
can take some of the pressure off.
Having my feelings validated, affirmed and understood makes me feel more
able to keep pushing for the help and support I know I need.
My
illness can often make interacting with people face to face extremely
difficult, or even impossible, for me so access to support online has proven
invaluable. I read a lot of mental
health blogs and follow many people on twitter that also have various mental
illnesses and all of them have helped me at one time or another to feel more ‘normal’
and less isolated. Online forums, organisations
like Mind and SANE and projects like SANE’s Virtual Black Dog all comprise an online community for raising
awareness, sharing experiences and providing support. Certainly for me, support from people who
have, or have had, similar experiences to mine means so much as I know it comes
from a place of acceptance and understanding.
I am blessed to have a wonderful, close family who try very hard to
understand and support me but, as I have written before, sharing too much with those closest to you is not only difficult, it can
cause other, knock-on problems that affect your relationships and the dynamics
within them.
Blogging
is a good way of exploring my own feelings and experiences and to try and make
sense of them. Very often I have started
to write a piece thinking it will go in one direction only to discover, as I
write, that it veers off at a completely unexpected tangent. This has occasionally resulted in me
revealing perhaps more of my personal experience than I had originally intended,
but it almost always helps me have a new insight into how events have impacted
on my illness and emotions. In a way, it’s
like the more positive experiences I have had with therapy, in that the process
itself can help me to see solutions for myself, rather than having them
suggested for me. I blog mostly for
myself, exploring events in writing is a well-known way of coping with
difficult situations and emotions, but also for others. I have had so many positives from reading
other people’s stories and from interacting with people online and I hope that
reading my blog will make someone else feel that maybe, just maybe, they are
not as alone as they thought.
Really interesting post - a blog to follow :)
ReplyDeletelots of similarities with some of the stuff I have experienced/written about - online support and writing in particular.
This one is about 'writing my mind' online and offline - http://fostresswrites.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/writing-my-mind-some-thoughts-about.html
and this one is about metaphor, mental health and online support -
http://fostresswrites.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/metaphor-mental-health-and-online.html
Would love your thoughts :)Have you tried Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy? Works well for me in helping prevent relapse.
Thank you for your kind comments and for sharing your blog posts. I was very interested to read your distinctions between private, 'in the moment' writing and public, more considered writing. I agree with you that I would not write publicly when in the midst of a depressive episode, as this writing would, by definition, be very negative and, I feel, would exacerbate my low mood and certainly prove unhelpful to many readers.
DeleteThe post about metaphor was also very interesting. Using metaphor is something I think most of us do unthinkingly when describing our depression as it would be impossible to give an accurate reflection of how we are feeling without it. I think it is useful to examine the use of language surrounding mental illness and the different ways language is used by people with mental illness, those who work with them and those who don't understand mental illness.
I have had a short course of therapy based around CBT principles with some success in some areas. The only treatment I currently access is the pharmaceutical kind, therapy is like hen's teeth around here!